First Blog Post – Kelly

JustAPost

Hi Brad.  I hope you see this.  This is your very first blog post.  I hope you change it otherwise, it will stay like this.

I’m pissed. I’m just fucking pissed off.  I’m pissed off because there is no peace of mind, no comfort or calm to the tidal wave of this reality.  The kids are not in heaven.  They aren’t looking down from above.  They’re gone.  They ceased to be on this earth.  Are they alive? Yes, within each of us. Whatever the fuck that even means.

Are they in a better place?  Fuck.  NO.  The best place for them to have been would have been here…with us…will thoughts and prayers help?  NO.  This isn’t part of Gods plan.

I’m sad.  I’m just fucking sad.  I’m sad because I see you broken.  You are completely and utterly destroyed.  And you’re trying so hard NOT to be destroyed because you’re scared of not being strong…of not being able to make it through and yes, that it’s all too much.

Yes, my love, it is too much.  I tell sick employees to stay home one full day instead of trying to “suffer” through getting better.  I watch you show up every day, your light a little less bright, trying to get through to getting better.  Fuck that noise.  All it does is prolong the healing process.  You are inconsolable.  Nobody (including me) can say words, do things or give things…that will make any of this easier.

You will never get to hold them again.

You will never get to smell their scent again.

You will never get to hear them laugh again.

You will never get to hear them complain again.

You will never get to help them when they struggle or talk to them about their day.

You will never get to work on their homework again.

You will never be able to take them to Great Wolf Lodge again.

You will never be able to work through mending your relationship with Ben again.

You get none of it, sir.

It’s all too much.  It’s all fucking gone.

————————–

Miss them.

————————–

Let your heart fall apart; let go of the pieces, it’s already shattered.  You’re putting energy into keeping all the broken pieces together.  Let it go.  It will never be the same and it will never be okay.

That’s okay.  You have to move forward.

I’m envious.  I too am fucking envious for those who have experienced less trauma and tragedy than you.  I’m jealous AND angry to those who relate with their story of loss…and Ben, Sam and Maddy weren’t my kids.

I’m furious.  I’m just fucking furious that I can do NOTHING to protect, comfort or heal you.  I have no ability to shield you from this storm.  So, instead, I will walk along side you.  I will walk with you so long as you will have me and then…even when you are so angry  and want to shove the world away…I will push you forward.  I will hold you.  I will love you and I will keep a safe space for you so you can fall apart.

This is the way its supposed to happen.

I love you for better or for worse.

Keeping this link here:  Blogs on Grief

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